You Know You're Goth If: The Ultimate List

Posted by Ophelia P on

Is this you...or do they have too much color? Image: Wikimedia Commons


We know you've seen a dozen (or is it a hundred?) of these, but we had so much fun searching out the BEST "you know you're goth if"s that we just knew we had to share what we found with you.

Following is our best-of, lovingly compiled with creepy care by our very own staff member and blogger Ophelia. Credit is given at the end of the article for our sources. Give yourself one point for each answer and additional points as noted; a score above 30 is Great Goth Almighty territory. Enjoy, my phreaky friends!





  • You pay $11 for a pack of cigarettes to match your outfit.
  • You refer to your age in mortal years.
  • You like to play dead in public.
  • Your preferred foundation color is "Sheet of Paper."
  • You refer to others as "the Normals."
  • Your friends are too scared of you to call you spooky to your face.
  • You'd willingly undergo cosmetic incisor-point sharpening surgery. (Five points if you already have.)
  • You were disappointed to learn "American Gothic" was a portrait of two farmers.
  • You argue with friends whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic interpretation of vampires.
  • "Road trip!" in your circle means quickly drawing black tears on your cheeks, slipping into something sorrowful and driving to the cemetery with Fourth of July sparklers and a picnic basket.
  • You go to Denny's at 5AM and think, "These are my people."
  • You know the answer to the joke, "How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?" (In case you didn't, the answer is: five - one to insert the bulb and four to yell "Turn the bloody light off!")
  • You've also heard this one and can correct us on it and/or make it funnier: Two goths are walking down the road. The first says, "I just bought the new Love Like Blood CD." The second gasps, "F--- me, a talking goth!"
  • You don't need an alarm clock because you're awakened each morning by the voice of a priest crying out above your bed, "The power of Christ compels you!"
  • "Oh my goth" pizzes you off and makes your head spin entirely around and your eyes catch fire.
  • ...and on the heels of the above: spellings like "gawth" get you all stabby.
  • You shop Spirit Halloween rather than Crate and Barrel for home decor.
  • You recently took a tentative step and expanded your wardrobe from Just Black to Black plus Slightly Faded Black.
  • Your friend asks, "Packing for a funeral?" and you answer, "No, the beach."
  • You know that there are different "types" of goth and you're kind of hoping you don't fit into any of them.
  • Someone asks you, "Why don't you ever smile?" and you answer, "Because I need a reason."
  • You're mortified to discover while out and about that your blacks don't match.
  • You're becoming concerned that the term "goth" is being lost amid the VASTLY different "emo" and "punk."
  • True or false? "Natural hair colors are so unnatural." (The correct answer: TRUE. Add two points to this test if you got this answer right.)
  • More than once, a random stranger has asked you if you sharpen your feet.
  • True or false? "Fishnet is NOT just for legs." (The correct answer: TRUE. Add two points.)
  • You set off metal detectors even when you're just trying to get to the pool.
  • True or false? You've been secretly hoping NOT to fit in with most of these answers. not because you're not goth but because a real goth knows fitting in doesn't make one anything but boring. (If you answered TRUE, add 30 points.)
  • You realize Bauhaus, The Prunes, X-Mal and Nephlim are NOT gastrointestinal health concerns.
  • You've been called a goth. You deny it.
  • You've actually read BOTH Shelleys. Three extra points if you've also read at least two of these: Dante Alighieri; the Marquis de Sade; Poe; Waiting for Godot by Beckett.
  • True or false? Because sunglasses block the sun, they can be classified as day wear. (The correct answer: FALSE. Add two points.)
  • You're on the hunt for a new fetish because your current one is getting boring.
  • You object fundamentally to this test even though you've scored greater than a 30 on it.
  • You know ALL of the above is just for fun - but you'd sneer at us anyway, mostly because you know we'd absolutely love it.



    (*NOTE: Some "best of"s were reworded for grammar, brevity or relevance.)



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